Tired…like an onion

I am tired…

There. I said it.

I’ve been sitting here for the last hour or so trying to decide what I was going to write about for this week.  I have the month of August all planned. But, I have this one stand-alone week…

Just standing alone…

And as I sat here, trying to find a point to focus in on, I recognized that my head tends to swirl like this when I’m tired. It’s kinda late, so yeah I’m tired. But, I’m not just physically, it’s-time-to-go-to-bed, tired. But, deep-down-in-my-soul tired.  So, what’s that about?

Since I can remember, at the center of my walk as a Jesus-follower has been worship through music.  My earliest church memories are of my dad singing in the choir. My fondest church memories are composed of many moments of congregational, corporate worship.  The body of the church are singing as ONE, to an audience of ONE. Just thinking about it makes me smile.  Right now, that smile is kind of bittersweet.  I miss it.  

That’s just one layer. As I’ve gotten to know myself, I also recognize that this kind of tired is onion-like in its layers. Throughout the pandemic, I have been able to find some solace and uplift in a solitary song. Some of you have joined me as I shared my heart through songs streamed on Facebook. However, it has been weeks since finding a song hasn’t come with a struggle. Here is where we come close to the center of the onion. I’ve realized I am not sure I can trust the songs.   

As I moved into a more justice-centered perspective in ministry, I’ve wondered, here and there, about the perspectives of the artists writing those songs. As I became more intentional about creating diversity in the teachers I listened to and the authors I read, I began to crave the same diversity in the voices of the writers in the songs I sing. I began to wonder if diversity was a value of the predominantly white Contemporary Christian Music (CCM) artists and industry. The optics say, “no.” I had done a little googling, but, to be honest, I was already a tad disenfranchised with the whole CCM industry.  My tolerance for K-love and their almost tone-deaf singular perspective had started to wan months ago. But, I held out a sliver of hope, giving the benefit of the doubt because I just hadn’t taken the time to research it. In the little research I had done, it was hard to find any clear, specific statements made by the artists and writers. However, as the events surrounding the death of George Floyd unraveled, and public figures across the board started making clear declarations condemning racism, I found myself thinking, “ahhh, this will make it easier…” 

Or so I thought. A few, like Natalie Grant and Lauren Daigle spoke decisively against racism. For others like Toby Mac and Kim Walker-Smith it has long been a part of their conversation and platform. For the most part, though, it has been crickets. Crickets from the artists. Crickets from the producers and industry heads. Crickets from K-Love. Crickets.  

So, here’s part of the wrestle: I know that the silence of these chart-topping artists doesn’t change the words of their songs.  I can still sing them with the intent of what the words mean coming from my lips.  But, do they recognize the disparity in the industry that they call Christian? (Check out this interview with Kirk Franklin if you’re not sure what I’m talking about) It is obvious how their voices are valued, but would they value mine?

As a teacher, preacher, worship leader, I feel I have a responsibility to amplify the voices of those who have been clear on expressing that they equally value the voices of people of color. I want to help make louder the voices of those who are expressing the values that are so central to Jesus’ message. Just as I hold CCM artists responsible for how they use their platforms, I am responsible for how I use mine.

The other part of the struggle? I’m sad that this is just another segment of the American Church culture where these questions need to be asked.

I’m tired…and I’m sad.   

For more information on some of the values I use to inform my worship music choices, please read The Coalition For Praise and Protest Statement.